Deacon's Notes 2008

You want it. You need it. And now, I’m going to give it to you. That’s right, after almost a 10-year hiatus, DEACON’S NOTES is back and taking no prisoners! For those precious few of you unfamiliar to DN, let me take a brief moment to enlighten you. DN began as a supplement to Rashid’s (aka, "Kinetik Sports") weekly fantasy football updates during our league last decade, and quickly turned into a cult phenomenon in our league (ok, so there was only like, 10 people and they were automatically emailed the newsletter against their will each week, but why sweat the details?). Anyway, DN proved to be my outlet for talking about my favorite subject: college football. Don’t get me wrong, I love “The League”, but something about the pageantry, drama and spectacle that is college football really gets me going, and DN is a healthy way for me to deal with my [bordering on] unhealthy addiction with college football. So, without any further ado, let’s get down to business.

First, some random thoughts….

McCain seems like a pretty nice guy, but I’m beginning to think that he truly believes that the rest of the country is as dumb as he is. So, let me get this straight, I’m supposed to believe that you’re a “maverick” and a “reformer”, but you’re still funding your campaign from taxpayer dollars and lobbyist groups? Um, that’s not change, that’s, um, how you say, “more of the same”….

Why do people want to shake your hand when they bump into you coming out of the restroom? That’s nasty. Give me a head nod and I’m good….

Are transsexuals the new “in” oppressed group? Diddy has a transsexual on his umpteenth show, “I Want to Work for Diddy” (an aside: who keeps green-lighting Diddy’s shows? Fire that person. Immediately. I mean, seriously, what the hell happened to the first 3 bands on “Making the Band”? Are they still fetching cheesecakes? But, I digress...), and Tyra apparently will have a transsexual on her upcoming season of “America’s Next Top Model”. Work it girl. I mean guy. I mean, oh, never mind….

Congress actually has a duty to fix bridges that collapse on major US highways under Congress’ “Commerce Powers” enumerated in a little doctrine I like to call the US Constitution. A collapsed bridge on say, US-95, would cripple a major commerce pipeline (bad for the economy). Thus, Congress has a vested interest in ensuring that collapsed bridges are repaired in a timely fashion (good for the economy). That same doctrine could also apply to, um, let’s say, a hurricane that submerges a US city underwater (not likely, but it could happen. Wait, what’s that you say?). I know, extra random, but sometimes, I like DN to be educational…you know, just in case someone believes that those responsibilities fall upon the states’ shoulders….

Chad Pennington is still in the league, but Daunte Culpepper recently retired. Chew on that….

This week’s DN will focus on my favorite college football league, the Atlantic Coast Conference, or, as the media likes to refer to it, the “Always Choking against other Conferences” league. As usual, I will pan through the league via my world renowned “Deacon’s Weekly Awards”. Now, on to the presentations....

The “We Are Who We Are…I Think” Award goes to: Virginia. Three years into the Mike Groh era on offense, the Hoos still don’t have an identity. Hey, maybe I’ll make my cousin my attorney. I mean, he’s never been to law school, but he does really, really like Law & Order. Catch the hint Al Groh.

The “Creative Genius” Award goes to: Tommy Bowden & the Clemson Tigers. I appreciate any man who can devise innovative new ways to choke EVERY season. Just when I think I have their choke pattern figured out, the Tigers one-up me with an entirely new method of flushing their season. We’re watching greatness in action and not even appreciating it….

The first-ever “Crisco & Drawn Butter” Award goes to: Ralph Friedgen. Maryland fans, this is an impassioned plea to you: get your coach. Seriously, no more batter-fried bacon for this guy; step awayyyyy from the deep fried cupcakes. Seriously Maryland. Seriously.

The “Cottonelle Loving Your Backside” Award goes to: the ACC. I love the ACC. I love it to the core, but you have to be high-off-of-your arse to believe that the league doesn’t suck this year. Two words: Wake Forest. The ACC’s highest (and only) ranked team. Do I really need to go any further with this?

And finally, the “What do you mean it’s not the 90’s?” Award goes to: Florida State. You heard it here first: Florida State is about to go postal on the ACC. The league NEEDS dominant teams, and FSU (and Miami as a close second) have the tools to bring balance back to the force (ahem, Wake Forest). FSU is loaded with talent this year and no one expects them to win. Also, Jimbo Fisher, the head coach-in-waiting is finally assuming the reigns with Bowden more of a figurehead (trying to outlast Joe Pa), so expect the offense to be lethal in year two of Fish’s go-round. They put up 69 points yesterday. Yeah, I know it was some crap team, but when was the last time FSU put up that many points against anyone?

As always, I have to remind everyone that this is all in fun and should not be used for gambling purposes (for that, check out Joverto’s or Kinetik's blogs). I go with my heart, not my head, so if you’re using my advice as the impetus for any bet, then you obviously have money to waste. Next week, we’ll take a glance at “The League”, but for now, make that money, don’t let that money make you.

Maryland, get your coach.